emotional wring

I can't resist. I have to know. The abhorent longing blinds my mind as I trudge through the duties of the day. Just those couple of words given to me will quench that thirst and let me move on. Yet, they could hurt, and make me feel so much worse.

Can I release the emotional hold yet passionally continue to strive? Somehow I must find a balance between continuing to have hope and bracing for failure. How can I, at the least, handle the dreadful feeling of strain? It may likely cause me more pain than I need at the moment, yet strangely I would still welcome it. How much more pain could it give that the amount I am already enduring in waiting? Besides, there is such a infantesimal chance the news will be favorable, and more than ever I hope it is and have to know that it is. It must be favorable, after waiting so painfully to receive it.

But that's not how life works. I am again dissapointed. Dissapointment after dissapointment after dissapointment you would think something would finally turn for the better. But it doesn't.

No miracles for today.

achievement

When we work so hard in life to achieve something, what defines that achievement? It could be a recognition by one's peers, an award/degree given by a commitee, an excellent salary, increase in rank/position, or doing something admirable that no one has done before. Movie actors, for example, could be judged on the money they make, how well they act, how many fans they have, etc. There are many possibilities. Goals of achievement give people plenty of inspiration, and it's the way we measure ourselves against our contemporaries.

But life is unfair and jealousy is a great evil. Award commitees can be swayed by trends, false information, bribery and alternate agendas. People may not wish to accept your achievement and deny you that pleasure. Salaries have more to do with market forces than the importance of your work. You may do everything right, but no one would notice it. The story about people not being appreciated until long after their death is as old as humankind itself. Gandhi never won the Noble Peace Prize. Barbara McClintock was ridiculed for decades before she finally got appreciated.

It has seemed to me that awards are inherently unfair, opinionated, and just a matter of luck: being at the right place at the right time, or having the qualities that happen to be in style that year. Truth is, no one really knows what makes a successful person, or whether these qualities are actually good for the long run. Happiness is subjective and one's potential worth to society has more to do with the combination of qualities and not the qualities themselves. Plus, so many people are competing just to get credit for what they do, rather than actually doing work.

Excessive awards, achievements, and other resume-bound titles are just a result of a grave human obession of people who need these superficial titles to feel better about themselves. It is propogated by the same types of people who are too lazy to challenge and push themselves.

Hard work should have it's own reward, and it does. It's not as satisfying as we were promised in Disney movies, but it's the best, longest-lasting satisfaction that we can get in life. It has only to do with how much we can compete with ourselves, and strive to do things we never thought we could do.