antidense

emotional wring

2006-03-16T01:09:00.000-05:00

I can't resist. I have to know. The abhorent longing blinds my mind as I trudge through the duties of the day. Just those couple of words given to me will quench that thirst and let me move on. Yet, they could hurt, and make me feel so much worse.

Can I release the emotional hold yet passionally continue to strive? Somehow I must find a balance between continuing to have hope and bracing for failure. How can I, at the least, handle the dreadful feeling of strain? It may likely cause me more pain than I need at the moment, yet strangely I would still welcome it. How much more pain could it give that the amount I am already enduring in waiting? Besides, there is such a infantesimal chance the news will be favorable, and more than ever I hope it is and have to know that it is. It must be favorable, after waiting so painfully to receive it.

But that's not how life works. I am again dissapointed. Dissapointment after dissapointment after dissapointment you would think something would finally turn for the better. But it doesn't.

No miracles for today.

achievement

2006-03-08T00:42:00.000-05:00

When we work so hard in life to achieve something, what defines that achievement? It could be a recognition by one's peers, an award/degree given by a commitee, an excellent salary, increase in rank/position, or doing something admirable that no one has done before. Movie actors, for example, could be judged on the money they make, how well they act, how many fans they have, etc. There are many possibilities. Goals of achievement give people plenty of inspiration, and it's the way we measure ourselves against our contemporaries.

But life is unfair and jealousy is a great evil. Award commitees can be swayed by trends, false information, bribery and alternate agendas. People may not wish to accept your achievement and deny you that pleasure. Salaries have more to do with market forces than the importance of your work. You may do everything right, but no one would notice it. The story about people not being appreciated until long after their death is as old as humankind itself. Gandhi never won the Noble Peace Prize. Barbara McClintock was ridiculed for decades before she finally got appreciated.

It has seemed to me that awards are inherently unfair, opinionated, and just a matter of luck: being at the right place at the right time, or having the qualities that happen to be in style that year. Truth is, no one really knows what makes a successful person, or whether these qualities are actually good for the long run. Happiness is subjective and one's potential worth to society has more to do with the combination of qualities and not the qualities themselves. Plus, so many people are competing just to get credit for what they do, rather than actually doing work.

Excessive awards, achievements, and other resume-bound titles are just a result of a grave human obession of people who need these superficial titles to feel better about themselves. It is propogated by the same types of people who are too lazy to challenge and push themselves.

Hard work should have it's own reward, and it does. It's not as satisfying as we were promised in Disney movies, but it's the best, longest-lasting satisfaction that we can get in life. It has only to do with how much we can compete with ourselves, and strive to do things we never thought we could do.

advice

2006-02-10T21:31:00.000-05:00

When you're in an insecure position, there will always be someone putting their two cents in. They believe you don't have what it takes and that you need to drastically change. You may have been longing to know what has been holding you back, and they finally tell you. It hurts but you long for it because it might kill that festering pain that won't go away.

They aren't neccessarily wrong, and they aren't necessarily right. What is wrong is the idea that there is only one way to win a game. Sure you may have some flaws, but no one can be perfect; and sometimes flaws are just as valuable as your skills.

So, please take advice with the proverbial grain of salt. Just because someone gives it to you without asking doesn't mean that they are right or that you should listen to them. It would be wrong for them to expect it.

Stop loving someone?

2005-12-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

If you love someone, can you stop? Can you flush those precious emotions away and treat the person as a friend at your own will. That is, for practical reasons...Maybe that person doesn't feel the same way (anymore), or it interferes with your other goals in life. It's just when the brain needs to protect the heart.

If we think we can, it might be that we are fooling ourselves and only pushing those emotions out of site. So, as long as you continue to run in to that person those feelings could burst out at any moment. The body is at the mercy of the heart but the false feeling of control might empower us.

Maybe the mind can control the heart, or at least the heart can listen to reason. In that case, we're not as helpless as we want to believe when we fall in love. However, this control is the villain of romance, depriving us of the essential feeling of being human while devaluing any reason to live.

It might be different for everyone, but I certainly don't have the answer to this one....

polite smile

2005-12-04T23:36:00.000-05:00

I was out today running some errands, and I noticed how we smile a lot, politely to show that we are satisfied customers. We're so happy to strangers, because being optimistic is a social necessity. If we don't smile, either they did something wrong, we're just having a bad day, or we're just jerks. But when that person you bought a sandwich from notices it, it does feel pretty good when a person cares to ask how you're doing.

Sure, I got a little caring since I paid a little money. Sometimes you can't even expect that much from a friend, even though you'd expect them to. People are just so into themselves and their own problems that they wouldn't even notice. That's pretty sad to those who believe in working together and helping each other out of the big muddy ditches that come in life.

I think most people genuinely care at one point in their lives, until someone takes advantage of them. After that, some continue the cycle by taking advantage of other people while making endless excuses. Most create this elaborate illusion where they convince themselves of being good people while suppressing their newfound selfishness. Most of the good they do is superficial or even Machiavellian. Finally, there are a few people learn how to care about others but protect themselves at the same time. And all the hope in this crazy world relies on them.

Faulty logic

2005-12-02T12:37:00.000-05:00

So it seems like the good ones are already taken. ...

Let me do a pseudomathematical proof:

assume "everyoneIKnow" !=liars (!= means not equal)
goodOne is a subset of {guys, girls}
me = goodOne (according to everyoneIKnow)
me != taken
hence, goodOnes NOT ALWAYS taken

Therefore, there's a good one that's not yet taken.
Now how do I triangulate her whereabouts?

juicy secret

2005-12-01T22:00:00.000-05:00

A secret: a few words with such great power. You can imagine the traumatic emotional fallout triggered just by opening your mouth. We share secrets to show our trust and seal bonds with the people we care about. We give the other person the means to hurt us later while getting the means to hurt them. In that process, we can feel better that we aren't as crazy as we might have thought and we can feel assured that this friendship/relationship cannot easily dissapear.

Someone left me a secret, and I have kept it hidden away. After fights and the trauma she caused me, I could have unleashed it, yet I didn't. We aren't friends anymore, and now I wish she had never had told me it. I have a way to hurt her, but I have no reason to. I wish I could forget it, but I can't imagine why she gave me that possibility in the first place. Maybe she knew I would never tell anyone. Well, I never have, and never will.

saying goodbye

2005-12-01T21:14:00.000-05:00

Whenever people part ways, there is a chance that they will never meet again. It's especially scary when breaking a deep connection and suddenly return to the lonely world again. Sooner or later, the world will crash on us again, and we have to take care of our own world without help from others.

Maybe if you give that person a piece of you, than he or she will more likely try to come back to you again. Tell the person one of your darkest secrets, or an endless story in your life. Give a screenname, or phonenumber to think of you again. Everytime, you give a different reason to come back to you and hope that person will.

But there is always that chance that whether unintentionally or deliberately, that person never returns, and you've lost that piece forever. Hopefully, it was something you could afford to lose.

Imperfect Dream

2005-11-26T00:17:00.000-05:00

I'm lying again in bed with the lights out, with no one special to think about. I know no one is thinking about me. I only have a single past experience that left me struggling for air. It's hard to believe anything will happen to me, especially not something elating. They say that things happen when you least expect it; and perhaps that's true. In a strange way I think I have learned to put my heart into things while expecting the worst, and here I am expecting nothing.

Last night in my dreams, I found myself at the mall where I met a curious girl. It was hard to make out anything except dark brown curly hair that surrounded her face and her tall figure. Somehow I knew she was shy, reserved, and emotionally imperfect. Romantically, we repeatedly encountered each other, though our words are short. I noted to her that we did things by her rules and we did things by my rules, and it hasn't worked either way. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel an emotional connection between us. Unfortunately, at that moment, everything dissolved into the sunlight of morning. Now, maybe I can visit her again.

bitter cold

2005-11-22T23:11:00.000-05:00

It's cold out here... alone among the snowflakes whizzing by. I've been so busy helping firewood for friends and neighbors, I forgot to get some for myself. It's too late now, I'm either left out in this harsh weather or bouncing between cynical houses getting morcels of warmth that I more than deserve. Now, I realize my chilling flaw: I haven't been selfish enough.

Somehow, I thought helping others was better than helping myself. Maybe the village would realize my kindness and gratitude and suprise me with something great? There is nothing. I'm left with the pleasant thought of having done the right thing while ice begins to envelope my fingers. Could this be better than the cold, bitter reception cloaked in gratitude if I ask for help?

The next day, I ignore the sincere inquiries for help from those that apparently appreciate me and gather plenty of firewood for myself. In that fire, my rare and reassuring benevolence burn away. Alone, in the hut, I watch the flames without regret.

If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise
-William Blake

being "nice"

2005-10-22T23:56:00.001-04:00

Some people think that they are the nicest people in the world. Few people irritate me more than that. The act so sincere and honest...but when you actually ask them a favor, they get so intent on avoiding it, even when they owe it you. Ironically, not-so-nice people are often more helpful.

One person offered to spend dinner with me...but when it came down to it, that person continued to be "busy." I'm not sure whether that meant being nice to the dozens of other friends, or just that it was only a polite gesture, completely devoid of actual intention. Sometimes it's scary that I have to give it anymore thought. In some strange way, I'm supposed to be nice by not bringing up that invitation?

I find it most disturbing how people make promises they can't or don't even intend to keep. It might feel good and unselfish to offer some help or time, but it's just going to hurt more in the end when you realize you broke a promise. As the proverb goes, "Don't make promises you can't keep."

What happened to doing nice things for people and getting them back too? A greatly beneficial synergy results from working together, but humans today seem too selfish to even consider that. (I can't say whether it has been better in the past) People seem more concerned with appearing considerate rather than being considerate, and then they wonder why everyone expects them to act that way too. Then they look at me and feel almost ashamed looking at the "incredibly nice" things I do for people on a daily basis. Who actually bothers to try and help that girl on the street having trouble with their bike? Or return the cell phone to that guy who dropped in the grass next to the bus station?

Sure, most people out there try to take advantage of you, but you can always learn to be careful and learn whom to trust. Most importantly karma does exist, and you only get what you give, even if that.

helpless irrationality

2005-10-05T00:10:00.000-04:00

Her name comes up in random thoughts while reading dense homework assignments. I barely even know the person behind that name, yet I can't wait to find her again. Tomorrow our physical coordinates might intersect for a few minutes... and I've already thought of questions and conversations to fill up that little time. Anticipating the realization of my fondest dream, my heart jumps.

It doesn't take long to remember the last times I felt the same way. For four long years, every romantic longing preceeded dissapointment, pain and sorrow. Why do I allow my heart to be ripped apart by distant possibility? In essence, I remain human and cannot help the cold liquid longing that swallows my heart and mind. Nonetheless, even colder it will be while piercing through my chest in inevitable and repeated disillusionment.

alone

2005-09-27T22:39:00.000-04:00

Everyday there's a pain that won't go away.
A feeling of utter disconnection
swamps the feelings of the mind without sway
And nothing throws the cruelty of rejection.

Months of false hope can last only for so long:
The swing of the pendulum from resolve
to feelings of desperation in sad song.
There has to be a way out of these clouds.

could you for once

2005-09-26T13:22:00.000-04:00

Could you for once break through that hide
and shed your false sweet face
To see the man aside
dreaming across the space?

He could show you the sky,
stars where you thought were none,
and tell tales without lie.
Isn't this worth a run?

No, it doesn't cross your mind,
and the chance wanes in the fog.

sanity

2005-09-25T15:41:00.000-04:00

Today I saw a stranger across the street, yelling utter nonsense in a language unfamiliar to me. He flung his hands around as if directing traffic as the rain drowned most of his words. Whatever he said was certainly lost on me; he might have been on some drugs or doing something he considered religious. He might have always been insane, or was just having a nervous breakdown. Maybe he was trying to tell us something...an inevitable truth that we keep supressing but will affect us greatly later.

He must be crazy, I thought, since he obviously could not supress his unusual behavior like everyone else. People are normal because they pretend to be normal. After all, if they can supress their strange impulses, than they must have enough control over themselves to do everything expected from them, so they could not be insane. But is this really the case? Maybe some people can just hide it better than others, and really don't have control. In that case, a perfectly-normal seeming person might not be so normal after all.

We all have quirks, and we do things that don't always make sense. I check the dryer after I take out the laundry to ensure I didn't leave any socks behind. It shouldn't have suprised me to see someone else do that yesterday, but it did. It seems pretty quirky to repress emotions that are "abnormal", eventhough everyone else has them anyway. That brings me to my final question: is it "stranger" to supress natural thoughts because society considers insane, or to express them because they are natural and society is insane?

when the helper needs help

2005-09-14T16:17:00.000-04:00

People often turn to me for help, guidance and inspiration. I seem to always now what I'm doing, and that really inspires confidence. My accomplishments and success tend to confirm those ideas. I rarely, if ever, lose my composure, which most people find hard to do. People like to have someone around like that.

But I don't always have good days. When everyone needs me, where do I turn to for help? Most of the time, I could use someone to listen to, but no one really thinks they could help me, the person that they respect so much. When it comes to friendships, people assume that I'm too good for them. I'm just supposed to be this ideal person without the problems everyone else has. In a way, it's true. I've learned to take what I get, and try to help myself. It is certainly difficult, but I know no other way.

trust

2005-08-25T01:24:00.000-04:00

I never really understood the concept of trust. It seems to be an expectation that one you trust, your friend Jill, for example, will not intentionally harm you in any way. So then, because you trust Jill, you never really watch Jill carefully, and in one unexpected moment, she stabs you in the proverbial back. The scary part is that the innocent-looking trust itself seems to be an invitation to the breach of that trust, simply because humans cannot stand good things for very long without trying to destroy it.

On the other hand, you cannot get very far thinking that everyone is out to get you. There is, in fact, always the possibility of it occurring, whether you trust them or not. In addition, why are we supposed to give people the benefit of the doubt until they show they are not trustworthy? I suggest something different: a realization that almost no one can trust each other for very long with out violating that trust. So, rather than trusting Jill, you ask her why she’s suddenly carrying that dagger in her hand, and run when she asks, “What? You don’t trust me?”

I do not know why everyone seems to think trust is such a necessary human thing, and if you cannot trust someone, something is automatically wrong with you. I think that kind of trust can only come after years and years of knowing the person. Simply trusting someone unquestionably because it is a good thing to do seems to be pretty naive, even if it is human.

thoughts of the day

2005-08-25T00:52:00.000-04:00

The more people know about you, the more they can either help or hurt you.

The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do, but is easier in the end.

People lie to you all the time about whom you are and what it takes to succeed. In the heat of the moment, it is hard to tell what is true or not. In that moment, the only thing you can really trust is your instincts. They might seem completely illogical, but they are probably right.

lost friends

2005-08-03T22:25:00.000-04:00

I could tell this person was avoiding me, from the moment she saw me. I'm not sure exactly why, but I can easily guess. We were friends once, and some way she feels guilty maybe for leaving our friendship in the dust. But for some reason, she thinks I still care about that.

Friendships arise and disappear, and they hardly last forever. Never having to say goodbye seems like a lost dream. I knew enough not to depend on her in the first place. I might be nice and caring but I was never that naive. Maybe she previously thought I was and thought she could take advantage of it, like that other person had. Fortunately, I did not let that happen again.

The last time I thought of her was months ago, but I hate to see her pretending now, as if I were dumb enough not to see through it. I wish I could tell her bitterly "Don't worry, you don't have to talk to me." But I can tell she would just deny it. It still bothers me that she cannot simply come and talk to me, and admit her mistake, since I would easily forgive her. Sadly, to keep denying it, she is only hurting herself, and leaving loose ends that may drag behind her for the rest of her life.

when you can't forgive

2005-08-03T01:49:00.000-04:00

If someone wrongs me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I would naturally be upset with him or her. But after a while, I might not care anymore and forgive, letting go of my grudge. Otherwise, the person might do something to make it up to me, and I eventually feel better about it. So, it seems obvious that anything can be forgiven within a lifetime, and if I do not forgive I am automatically selfish and rude.

However, is there ever a possibility where withholding forgiveness is not so wrong? Like if someone hurt you many times over several months. Unfortunately, you did not realize the impact until it was too late. Now that it's over, you want to forgive, but your body just will not forgive after going through so much pain. Is it okay if you might not ever be able to forgive that person? Is that really so bad not to?

Going through it over and over in my mind, I tried to make some sense of it. All I found was that I was hurt and she was the cause. The mistakes we both had made or our prior good intentions and naivete did not seem to alleiviate my pain. I wanted to forgive but she never took the time to see how deeply it had affected or even try to make it up to me. I hurt her too, but I was willing to listen. Her only plan was to bury it and pretend it never happened. I played along, until the ghosts started to haunt me. So I left her, and I have not spoken to her or seen her since.

reference: Here Again

useless prevision

2005-07-20T19:16:00.000-04:00

You know it will happen. You just have this feeling, but you cannot seem to convince anyone about that. You rather avoid it as long as you can, but now you have to, and time cannot wait anymore.

Then you do it and find that you were right.

Would it have been better if I had not known? Why does it feel so bad to be proven right? Maybe it contradicts my optimistic view of the world, or I feel that I should have protected myself more-but how? All along, I knew it would hurt, and it did hurt, and I still can't do anything about it.

Sometimes

2005-07-12T18:40:00.000-04:00

Yes, you made a mistake, and it happend to be a really stupid one, too. You should have checked the note earlier, or wrote it down in your planner. You knew it was pretty important, and you could have easily gotten there if you had known. You weren't even planning to skip it. After all, you're a pretty reliable person.

But you didn't, and nothing can be done about it now but face the consequences. You might regret the fact that you didn't even get a choice. And now you now have a big mess to clean up.

Sometimes, if you think about it, things happen for a reason. Whether it was a supernatural force or just a feeling deep in your conscience, you missed it because things would have turned out worse if you had gone. And if it feels bad now, it's okay compared to what could have happened.

Sometimes things work out for the better.

pancakes

2005-07-06T20:37:00.000-04:00

I got the Bisquick, eggs and everything I needed from the store.
I carefully measured and mixed each ingredient and stirred.
Then I put just the right amount of butter and batter in the pan.
I watch them cook them until brown.
Yet, no matter what, they turn out wrong, everytime.

And no one can seem to help me figure out why.

Leaking

2005-05-27T01:36:00.000-04:00

There is a leak in the vessel,
and the energy slowly drips out.
Doing good just seems to drain the soul.
And it's just the simple things:
Holding the door for one
and complementing another.
Causing drain.
until there's nothing left.
But I will not stop, I may still last.
The rain will come, and thunder will soar.
Hapiness will shower on the doorstep and I will get it back.
It's a gamble, sure.
But I would not be the one in selfish stagnancy
who will never refill their own.

Filling a Deep Void

2005-05-22T21:47:00.000-04:00

For once I hear her soft voice call out to me in the cold winter wind. Rarely does she recount the joy we shared as friends, and every more rarely does she try to touch me again. Two years ago on a warm night we laughed and danced into the falling brown leaves. But, time diverged us, and still keeps us apart. We could not circumvent it.

I miss my chance to respond in the business of the day. I have wanted to reach out and touch her so many times, yet I could not allow myself to do it. So many times I have touched others and fell into the chilly lake. They were too cold to feel, and I struggled to reach shore again.

My heart is big and soft, too soft. It asks for little, gives a lot, but needs even more. Immediately responding to her would fill her with warmth enough for months. But it would not be enough for me. Rather, I subtely try to make her realize how I feel and maybe she would give me a little bit more.

Next time I will welcome and embrace her with warm blankets. But must my heart be so needing to give, and to recieve? Is it really any different from those of others? Sometimes I fear my heart might just be too big for anyone to fill for very long.